


I feel the pressure blowing up

by StariNights



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Michael Needs a Hug, Michael in the Bathroom, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, TW: Self Harm, im sorry in advance, im still crying, it gets happy-ish at the end i swear, it hurt me, jeremy needs to fucking chill, ok ONTO THE TAGS, this is going to hurt you, why do i hurt my children so?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 17:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11017989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StariNights/pseuds/StariNights
Summary: To say he was a mess would be the understatement of the year.His hair was sticking out all different directions, his glasses were crooked, tear tracks plain as day running down his blotchy cheeks, his Creeps sweater looked like he just decided to roll down a flight of stairs, his head felt like it too.Look at you, you’re such a mess. No wonder Jeremy left. Who would want to be seen with a L O S E R like you?





	I feel the pressure blowing up

“Get out of my way” Jeremy shoved past Michael, staggering to a pause before opening the door 

 

“loser.”

 

Michael watched as his best frie- wait, no, his only friend walked out, leaving him alone with his thoughts. A very, very dangerous thing to do.he stood there in silence until someone knocked at the door, he stood quiet, hoping it was jeremy, back to apologize.

 

“Hello? Some of us have to pee!” Jenna Rolan, it was just Jenna Rolan. His heart sank to his stomach. “I’m having my period!” he cringed inwardly at the amount of voice cracks in that one sentence, what was he? Ten? There was a pause. “Take your time, honey” he heard footsteps as she walked away. He breathed a sigh of relief as he sank to the ground, back against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest.

 

He let out a small, breathy chuckle “wow, my first party? Fun night huh.” he whispered to himself “and here i am, just, hanging out in  bathroom!” he laughed again as he felt tears brim his eyes.

 

“Alone…” He took off his glasses and scrubbed at his eyes “but that's fine! I'm fine! So what if he just left me, I don't care! So what he just threw away twelve years of friendship, i'm fine!” it was a lie, he knew that, but maybe if he said it enough it wouldn’t be.

 

“Would he notice if i just…. Just disappeared? Right now?” he wondered aloud, he could feel the tears flow down his face. 

 

He sat in silence for a while, deciding not to voice his thoughts out loud anymore, thinking maybe it wouldn’t be as bad.  He was so used to the silence he almost jumped a foot when the knocking resumed, louder then it was when Jenna was there. He didn’t do anything, hoping they would just leave him there to grieve on his own.

 

_ Knock knock knock knock _

 

Fuck. “hell, no- yeah I’ll be out soon!” he scrubbed at his eyes, hoping maybe he could just blame the redness on weed. He rolled his sleeves up. He couldn't tell whether it had gotten hotter or he was just crying to hard. 

 

_ Knock knock knock knock _

 

He felt his heart speed up. He stood up to fast, falling back down as a wave of nausea hit him hard. He let out a string of curses when his head hit the wall. He tried to stand again, slightly more successful this time as he stumbled to the sink.  **_Why did jeremy have to leave me here alone-_ **

 

_ Knock knock knock knock _

 

 ** _-Here in this teenage battle zone._** He tried to breath, in…. out… in… out… in-

 

_ Clang clang clang clang _

 

He choked on the last breath he took, his body reverting back to the panicked, erratic state it had been at before. I felt like someone had tied a rope around his chest and pulled it tight. His vision went blurry as his glasses slipped off his nose. 

 

_ Bang bang bang bang _

 

 ** _You shouldn't have come, he doesn't want you here._** He could barely hear the _helpful_ little voice over the pounding in his head. He shook his head, splashing water on his face, hoping to regain some sense of reality. He reached for the doorknob, ready to brave the impossible level outside now that he had regained some control over his breathing, he waited for someone to knock, or yell, or something to indicate someone wanted in. 

 

He was met with silence.

 

Michael couldn’t hear anything, so he assumed whoever wanted in had gone now.  He went back to the mirror, every protective layer he had built up in the past five minutes crumbled at the sight of his reflection. 

 

To say he was a mess would be the understatement of the year. 

 

His hair was sticking out all different directions, his glasses were crooked, tear tracks plain as day running down his blotchy cheeks, his Creeps sweater looked like he just decided to roll down a flight of stairs, his head felt like it too.

 

**_Look at you, you’re such a mess. No wonder Jeremy left. Who would want to be seen with a L O S E R like you?_ ** He tried to shake the voice from his head, telling himself it was the squip’s fault-  **_he told you the squip was deactivated, that was all h i m._ ** He felt fresh tears run down his face as he sank to the floor, scrubbing furiously at his already burning eyes. 

 

“I wish I stayed at home in bed, watching porn” he whispered to himself “hell, I wish I’d off myself instead, wish i was never born!” he said that last part a bit louder, his breathing back to the erratic, shaky state it was before. “ I'm just Michael who's a loner, so he must be a stoner, rides a PT cruiser, god he's such a loser!” he screamed to himself, he was in hysterics, he couldn’t think couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything. 

 

He felt like dying.

 

He decided that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

 

He stood up, freakishly calm. No, it was less of a calming feeling, and more like an empty feeling. Like a pit was growing in his chest and spreading to his stomach. 

 

He reached for a razor from the cabinets, taking it apart and holding the blade between his thumb and index finger, twirling it around.

 

He didn't feel the first slice on his wrist, or the second, or third, but he saw the red collect into little beads before he added more pressure, watching the puddles turn into streams of red cascading down his arm.

 

He didn’t feel a thing.

 

He just watched the red stream flow down his arm, covering his tattoo with red lines. He didn't feel the heat of the flames right outside the door, nor did he hear the screams of people running to escape the fire. 

 

What he did hear was someone scream “Mikey!” from outside the door. What he did feel was arms wrapped around him, he was a little more than vaguely aware of someone crying and apologizing while they threw away his razor, he felt himself being hauled up and out of the burning building.

 

What he did feel was jeremy clinging to him like his life depended on it.

 

What he did feel was a small glow starting to replace the empty pit in his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> leave i comment if you liked.  
> leave a comment if you hated it.  
> please just leave this poor trash ghost a comment.


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